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THE PICKLE OF KING GEORGE

(SETTINGS: Various suggested environments, including the royal privy chamber of George The Third, a dungeon in the Tower of London, and the grog pit of the Swine and Cat tavern.)

(Lights up on the privy chamber where George the Third is making love to his mulutto mistress Fortissma Beans on top of a large conference table. Alternately listening through a door and peering through a keyhole are Sir Richard Chetney and William Bumfeld.)

FORTISSIMA

Your highness straddles my body like a colosses. I long for your mighty staff. Your rod of royalty upon which I may ride to bliss and oblivion.

GEORGE

Well put, Fortissima.

FORTISSIMA

T'would be well put where put and that is the rub milord, as the rod rolls forlornly unput.

GEORGE

Is it not enough that you are on my staff and a member to me. I am putty in your arms, Fortissima.

FORTISSIMA

Alas, both staff and member are putty, my King George. Limpness in love and politics are labors lost, my lord.

BUMFELD

(Whispering to Chetney)

Weak in balls as well as brains. Thank God he has your great pole to lean on Sir Chetney.

CHETNEY

He will get a buck up from my news, Sir Bumfeld.

BUMFELD

She too will appreciate a good buck.

CHETNEY

And where better but in the privy chamber where high bills are discussed and laws laid down.

BUMFELD

Like Mistresses..

CHETNEY

Where his divine sceptre finds her oval office.

GEORGE

Let strokes write my love on thee/

FORTISSIMA

Not today, My lord. YOur pen fits not my inkwell.

BUMFELD

Oh, well put.

CHETNEY

Not.

GEORGE

I have so much on my mind, I have little left for lower parts.

BUMFELD

ESpecially when his mind is so small.

CHETNEY

And so too are his lower parts.

BUMFELD

But still enough for his Fortissima.

CHETNEY

Complemented by his diminuendo.

BUMFELD

Well able to take matters in hand or mouth more than words.

FORTISSIMA

Hark, do you hear voices?

GEORGE

Probably just the rabble in the streets with their constant bleating about the War Against Terrorism in the colonies.

FORTISSIMA

Would you be so stiff in your resolve with me as you are with them.

BUMFELD

His weapon of great destruction is a dud.

(Fortissima leaps up, straightening her clothes.)

FORTISSIMA

I know I heard something.

(She runs to the door and opens it quickly. Bumfeld and Chetney almost fall on their faces.)

FORTISSIMA (Continued)

Bumfeld! Chetney!

GEORGE

Is this how you conduct affairs of state?

(Fortissima pokes him in the ribs with her elbow.)

GEORGE (Continued)

I've put my royal mouth in my foot again.

FORTISSIMA

Before the greatest peers in the land.

CHETNEY

Upon our peerage, we were just about to knock.

BUMFELD

Great news from the Americas my Lord. In the first engagement with the terrorist rebels, ten were wounded by our gallant lads in defense of freedom. Our forces then marched to Concord and burned enemy supplies there.

FORTISSIMA

Who fired first?

CHETNEY

That is unknown, dear lady, but surely it was a shot heard round the world.

FORTISSIMA

Fetch Gobbles and let him weave a fabric around this.

(Gobbles steps from behind a tapestry.)

GOBBLES

I am here, my lady.

FORTISSIMA

Ah! You were there all this time?

GOBBLES

Homeland security mandates close vigilance.

FORTISSIMA

You strike too close to home, Gobbles.

BUMFELD

Nevertheless his observation is well put.

CHETNEY

Again, well put.

GEORGE

Do you think that was well put?

GOBBLES

As you put things well.

FORTISSIMA

Enough of this putting.

CHETNEY

We meant not you were put upon.

BUMFELD

Perish the thought.

FORTISSIMA

Basta, Bumfeld. Hasten to inform the people of our victory.. And arrest Ben Franklin. He must be detained as an emmissary of this terrorism.

CHETNEY

He shall be held in the tower of London.

GEORGE

There will be protests in Parliament.

CHETNEY

Let them fly a kite.

(FADE on bedroom environment. Lights on the Swine and Cat where John Queque is drunkenly dancing and singing with Rosie DaRivita.)

JOHN CUE

(Singing)

I don't care, I don't care, what the world thinks of us. Oh, we are the greatest, the biggest and bestest and that's good enough for me. I don't care, I don't care about unemployment or poverty.

ROSIE DARIVITA

Oh, just give me a tickle and the hell with my pickle.. A circus is fine for us. .I'll rollie in Stolie..and sin in my gin..oh, I don't care!

(They fall laughing in a drunken heap as Murdoch, the town crier enters. He is accompanied by Constable Rudge.)

MURDOCH

Who be you rabble?

JOHN CUE

I am John Cue..

ROSIE DARIVITA

And I be Rosie Darivita.

JOHN CUE

And we know you -- you be Murdoch the town crier.

ROSIE DARIVITA

Town liar, you mean.

MURDOCH

Arrest her Constable Rudge..

(Rudge grabs Rosie)

ROSIE DARIVITA

Here, what are you doing. I did nothing.

MURDOCH

You did slander me and question my authority.

JOHN CUE

She spoke the truth and is there a law against that?

MURDOCH

Truth is whatever is whatever our King says it is.

JOHN CUE

Oh, hail to the King.

ROSIE DARIVITA

(Singing)

I love a king, just like the King that sits upon our throne. He's the best king that we have ever known.

MURDOCH

So now you sing a different tune.

(John Cue whips out two British flags, hands one to Rosie and both begin to wave them frantically and sing.)

ROSIE AND JOHN

It's a grand old flag, it's a high flying flag..

MURDOCH

Alright, alright...Rudge, release her.

(Rudge does so. Murdoch unfurls a scroll and begins to read.)

MURDOCH (Continued)

Hear ye... hear ye...gather round...this be a proclamation from the king.. The forces of Freedom in the colonies have rendered a great defeat against the armies of terrorism. Yea, an army of raving Colonialists has been destroyed by our gallant redcoats at Concord. The road to Boston and the palaces of the scavenger emperor and molester of his people -- George Washington - is now open to our victorious forces. Washington continues his outrages against his own people by ordering the rape of loyalist women and the destruction of their families. Yea, his barbaric personal guard has thrown a score of babies upon the snow in order that their blankets we taken from them.

JOHN CUE

Did they really do that?

(Rudge gives him his answer by slapping him hard against his face.)

JOHN CUE (Continued)

Yes, of course..

ROSIE DARIVITA

Here...slapping is unBritish..

(Murdoch and Rudge laugh uproariously, so much they have to hold on to each other to keep from rolling in mirth upon the floor)

RUDGE

Who told you that, dearie?

MURDOCH

A second questioning of our authority. Your name is Darivita?

ROSIE DARIVITA

Yes..

RUDGE

Has a foreign ring to it..

MURDOCH

French perhaps...

RUDGE

Our sworn enemies in Canada, the Indies and Africa.

MURDOCH

Take her, she's a dangerous alien. A terrorist no better than the Americans.

JOHN CUE

(Moves to stop them.)

Here...hold on..

RUDGE

YOu want to join her?

ROSIE DARIVITA

Don't let them take me, John Cue..

JOHN CUE

Where are you taking her?

MURDOCH

That's for us to know and for you to find out.

(They remove her as a hapless John Cue looks on. Lights out on tavern. Lights up in the privy chamber. Bumfeld, Chetney, Gobbles, Fortissima, King George III and Colon Fowl, are seated around the table. They are avidly perusing a document.)

GEORGE

Hells bells, this is quite a declaration of interference.

CHETNEY

Independence, my lord.

GEORGE

Well, I try to be independent.

CHETNEY

The name of the document... Declaration of Independence.

GEORGE

Isn't that what I said?

CHETNEY

Never mind, your majesty.

FOWL

(Reading from document)

What nonsense is this: "When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

(pause)

FOWL (Continued)

This is a far cry from protesting taxes. They seek disengagement!

BUMFELD

One of their ilk -- a Thomas Paine -- a dangerous terrorist -- urged as such in his notorious criminal tract -- Common Sense.

FORTISSIMA

Whatever, it is a masterful stroke of public relations and requires swift and forceful action on our part. And I take particular umbrage at the phrase "all men are created equal" -- which speaks not of women. ARe not we equal and as much on top of events as men?

CHETNEY

(Aside)

More so as she is under as well.

FOWL

And I have it on good account that Southern interests had deleted a sections that dealt harshly with slavery in order to preserve the benefits that such endentured labor gives them.

BUMFELD

Just as well as the slave trade serves us financially.

FOWL

Their equality is color blind, although it is said that Jefferson enjoys the pleasure of a negro servant.

BUMFELD

There is much to be said for that, I suppose.

GEORGE

I'll say. In certain matters black is as good as white.

FOWL

Was that meant for me? I know the rumors. I am as white as anyone here.

CHETNEY

(Aside)

He's so sensitive about that.

BUMFELD

Of course, my Lord I meant no reference or offense to you. You are whiter than most, I wager.

FOWL

Most what?

CHETNEY

Most white men...

FORTISSIMA

Then the remark was made for me..

BUMFELD

Your beauty and intelligence are enshrined in a magnificent maghogony vessel, far superior to the thin, white pine of others.

GEORGE

Indeed..Well put..But I am well concerned about the interruption of tobacco and rum from the colonies..I would sorely miss their fraternity.

CHETNEY

YOur fraternity days will never be over, my Lord.

BUMFELD

Our interests mandate - er..

(Looking at Fortissima slyly)

BUMFELD (Continued)

Womandate, with all respect to Mistress -- er I meant Minister -- Fortissima - that we never relinquish the riches of the New World..especially whale oil..

FORTISSIMA

Of which your stewardship of the EAst India company exploits so well. Almost a monopoly of oil except for the American interests and a war would handily rectify that, eh, Bumfeld?

FOWL

I believe Minister Bumfeld and members of Parliament share in that largesse as well.

BUMFELD

This is not a war for oil, Fortissima - Colon, but for freedom.

FOWL

I would not have it any other way.

FORTISSIMA

Nor I...

CHETNEY

(Aside)

To be sure, she would have it any way she can get it.

BUMFELD

We must prepare the populace for war Gentlemen and gentlewoman..the colonists are a grave threat to our way of life and all we hold dear..

GEORGE

Tobacco and rum, yes..

FOWL

Terrorists and barbarians with weapons of great destruction.

BUMFELD

Washington and his council of criminals -- JOhn Adams, his brother Samuel, Thomas Jefferson, Tom Paine, John Hancock and the rest...

FORTISSIMA

What was that last name?

BUMFELD

Hancock..

CHETNEY

(Aside)

I thought that would appeal to her..

BUMFELD

Terrorists all...who have committed grave atrocities upon the indigenous people of the continent.. scalpings and massacres.

FOWL

Our efforts will be a war against terrorism.. for Freedom..

GEORGE

Well put, Fowl..

FOWL

As a former military man, I hasten to point out that our wars for freedom around the world have depleted our treasury and our resources. We have engaged in battles against Spain and France over the issues of free passage of slave ships and the delivery of resources from Florida, Canada and Nova Scotia.

GEORGE

We are the most powerful empire on earth -- nothing can stand in our way.

CHETNEY

With all respect your highness -- desist of speaking of matters in which you are not well versed.

GEORGE

Sorry..

CHETNEY

Forgiven...

GEORGE

Thank you.

BUMFELD

My erstwhile colleage Chetney raises a good point. Spain and France have already indicated they would aid the colonists in their treason...yea, very likely add to their already formidible arsenel of dastardly weapons.

CHETNEY

(Aside)

All of which they got from us.

GEORGE

I think we should go in there and whack them in the wicket.

CHETNEY

George, what did I tell you about speaking.

GEORGE

Sorry... won't happen again.

CHETNEY

(Aside)

He forgets it is I who am the real power behind the throne.

FORTISSIMA

We must act quickly to settle this American business before our enemies have a chance to lend their weight to the conflict.

BUMFELD

There are those in the colonies who are loyal to the crown and opposed to the madness of the rebels.. We should enlist their aid -- promise them positions of power in a new administration.

CHETNEY

Who can we get to approach them? One of their own would be good.

FOWL

Franklin has been in gaol for awhile...Perhaps his stay in solitary darkness has made him see the light.

FORTISSIMA

Let me approach him.. it is said he has an eye for women..

CHETNEY

And a good and mighty leg as well..

FOWL

I will accompany her..

BUMFELD

That might put too dark a complexion on the matter.

FOWL

Again -- you insult me.

CHETNEY

Go to, Colon.. and with Fortissima...let us show that we are a people who embrace black -- and white and white, of course, Colon..in the true spirit of brotherhood...Hie - and Godspeed!

(Lights down in privy room. Lights up in gaol where Benjamin Franklin is fornicating with Rosie Darivita.)

BEN

Little strokes fell great oaks.

ROSIE DARIVITA

Great oak with mighty strokes!

BEN

The used key is never bright.

ROSIE DARIVITA

It's a dirty old key, in'it?

BEN

An empty bag can not stand upright.

ROSIE DARIVITA

Oh, your bag is upright.

(Fowl and Fortissima enter)

FOWL

He does to this wench what we have been doing to the colonies.

FORTISSIMA

Franklin a word with thee if you can spare it.

BEN

A word to the wise is not enough and many words won't fill a bushel.

ROSIE

He's filling my bushel, awright!

BEN

After three days, men grow weary, of a wench, a guest and weather weary.

FOWL

You have been at this for three days?

ROSIE

Who's counting?

BEN

What do you want of me?

FORTISSIMA

Ha, he speaks in plain English.

FOWL

Wencb, be gone or it is off with your head.

BEN

Oh, I would hate to lose her head.

(Rosie hurries off)

BEN (Continued)

So, speak - time is money.

FOWL

We shall speak to the point..

FORTISSIMA

Though it may prick you.

BEN

Let me turn my prick upon thee, Mistress Fortissima and make my point -- about the colonies. How might this be resolved?

FOWL

Precisely, Franklin.. A great leader is needed to bring them back to the fold.

BEN

And within that fold is money.`

FORTISSIMA

And power.

BEN

What is it you want me to do?

FOWL

Convince your compatriots to end their rebellion.

FORTISSIMA

And you shall be governor of the New World.

FOWL

It will be our secret.

BEN

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. The answer is no.

FORTISSIMA

A yes would free you of this place

BEN

They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. A new country is being born and I am midwife to this event. I will not render it still born.

FOWL

Then you shall rot here.

BEN

I think not. This war will not last forever. And I will be needed for the peace and pray remember there never was a good war nor a bad peace.

FORTISSIMA

They sent him here to belabor us with his infernal sayings.

BEN

Necessity never made a good bargain.

FOWL

Stop it with your damn aphrosims.

BEN

Blame all and praise all are two blockheads, so you both are losers either way.

FORTISSIMA

You are foolish to make of us large enemies.

BEN

What matter, there is no little enemy.

FOWL

(To Fortissima)

Come, we shall seek others of more reason than this pompous fool.

FORTISSIMA

Yes, he is more than I wish to experience.

(They hasten out)

BEN

Yes -- run -- experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.

(Rosie re-enters)

ROSIE

Ooh, were they in a dither. You must have pulled their tails good and proper, Ben.

BEN

And leaving with their tails tween their legs. But it is your tail, that interests me most now, Rosie.

(He pulls her to him)

ROSIE

Lordie, Ben - are all Americans like you?

BEN

Afraid so...when we see something we want - we grab it and our appetites are insatiable.

ROSIE

KIng George says you are all a bunch of murdering terrorists.

BEN

Takes one to know one. Diplomacy is a mirror of reality. It sees itself and blames the other.

ROSIE

I don't care - long as I have my pint and tickle.

BEN

The same in America.. This rebellion is about trade. It's always about trade and money. I foresee the day that America becomes even a bigger empire than Britain with bigger faults and lies. But no matter, let us enjoy the moment.

ROSIE

What about all your fine words -- chastity and abstinence and all that?

BEN

High words and low deeds -- a global disease. An art worth spinning. Come on now you, so that I may come in you.

(He pulls her closer as the lights dim and the lights rise in a corner of the stage where Fowl and Fortissima are embracing.)

FOWL

How it grates me that that fool George enjoys you.

FORTISSIMA

Think not about that - but of now when we are together.

FOWL

And of the day when we will be as one always.

FORTISSIMA

That fool Franklin could have helped us.

FOWL

He could have been a king in America where we could aid in the rule.

FORTISSIMA

But there is another -- a Benedict Arnold -- whose color is royal purple - not red, white or blue.

FOWL

Speak not of color.

FORTISSIMA

I see the remark brings color to your cheeks where color had been denied before.

FOWL

I do not like the color of your remarks.

FORTISSIMA

It matters not to me that you reject your color when I have enough for two.

FOWL

Enough of this color unless it serves to cuckold the ursurper George who took crown that rightfully belonged to James. George is a King-select.

FORTISSIMA

I love it when you talk treason.

FOWL

FRom my lips to yours.

(They kiss)

FORTISSIMA

Then let my heart be as black as yours.

(They slip to the ground as the lights fade. Lights up in privy room as Chetney, Bumfeld, George and Gobbles lean over maps spread on the table.)

CHETNEY

That rogue -- that thief-

BUMFELD

Child molester..

GEORGE

Murderer and rapist..

GOBBLES

Embezzler and chief executive officer..

GEORGE

Oh, pray -- not as bad as that...

CHETNEY

Keep quiet, George..

BUMFELD

He has conquered Trenton...overrun our Hessians..

CHETNEY

Good allies are hard to buy these days.

BUMFELD

And we have been defeated at Saratoga..

CHETNEY

Russia, Sweden, France, the Netherlands and Spain are against us.

GEORGE

And Iceland?

CHETNEY

And what?

GEORGE

Iceland...

CHETNEY

Who cares, George.

GEORGE

Alright... just wondering.

BUMFELD

Spain and France supply secret subsidies..

CHETNEY

They will gain power -- as we lose it..

GOBBLES

And parliament seethes... The whigs and the tories are as one.

CHETNEY

They are always as one.. the visible difference is only that one is in power when the other is not..otherwise there is no change..

BUMFELD

The Russians also seek alliance with the French. Whale oil is their quarry...

GOBBLES

The great lords of both houses seek a quick solution before their properties and investments in the New Land are lost.

CHETNEY

They speak through me. I know their message too well. Lords Lockheed, Bechtel, Texaco, Citibank, Morgan, Stanley, Halliburton, BRown and Root.

BUMFELD

And they have gathered great generals to their cause. Generals Motors, Electric, Tire.

(Murdoch rushes in, followed by Fowl and Fortissima and Rudge)

MURDOCH

Pardon, sir... a bulletin..I dare not wait to deliver it.

(Gobbles takes the bulletin.)

GEORGE

He gives to you and not to me!?

CHETNEY

Shut up, George. He is Gobbles man.

GOBBLES

This is true, not one of our ministry's?

MURDOCH

Newly arrived by the packet EchoStar.

GOBBLES

Cornwallis has surrendered at Yorktown.

CHETNEY

It's over.. Parliament will not sustain this expensive conflict which threatens their enterprises.

(Several rocks fly through a window.)

BUMFELD

The rabble want peace.

RUDGE

There are riots all over the nation sure. Our camps and jails are full.. Condition scarlet..Nothing left but to shoot to kill...

CHETNEY

On no condition, Rudge.. You have been relieved...The good Reverend Dale Robertson shall take your place.

RUDGE

What you - can't.

CHETNEY

Let there be peace..Fowl, you know what to do.

(Fowl shoots him.)

GEORGE

That was very white of you Fowl.

(MOre rocks.)

BUMFELD

I suggest we give them the body of Rudge..

GOBBLES

Hit by a rock thrown by an unknown hand..

GEORGE

Well put, Gobbles.

FORTISSIMA

We shall accede to the will of the people. I suggest we summon Franklin...He has enjoined himself with the populace..

FOWL

Or at least one that we can attest.

(More rocks fly through the window.)

CHETNEY

Quick then -- bring him here, but remember -- not in our name.

BUMFELD

Fowl..go with Fortissima.

(Fowl and Fortissima exit.)

GEORGE

He pointed his gun at me..

CHETNEY

No matter. We shall soon be rid of him..And Fortissima..

GEORGE

But...

CHETNEY

Shut up, George.

(Black out. Then up again in Privy Room. Franklin is with Chetney, Bumfeld, George, Murdoch, Fowl and Fortissima.)

BEN

It's done then...Fishing rights... oil, timber and all commerce free of taxation as free sovereign states.

CHETNEY

But with the full recognition of the commercial rights of those entities which have established trade within the colonies.

BEN

Equal commercial rights between both our nations....

BUMFELD

The continued provenance of great transnational enterprises.

BEN

One small thing -- a fair and comely lass -- one Rosie Darivita..she shall be freed from gaol so that I may pay my promise.

(Go to black. Lights up in the SWine and Cat. Rosie and John are swilling gin in a close embrance. Murdoch enters with a new decree to read.)

MURDOCH

Hear ye, hear ye... all residents of the Swine and Cat Tavern..

ROSIE

Pig and pussy you mean.

(She and John laugh uproariously)

MURDOCH

The Treaty of Paris having been signed today - ending the disagreement in the colonies and with a great victory by the Royal Forces of Freedom. Our great nation will aid the vanquished in full economic recovery in conjunction with the great efforts of our European allies -- France, Spain, Russia, the Netherlands and Iceland. We shall bring the colonies to full fruition as a land of the future with the aid of Lord Fowl and his Lady Fortissima who has agreed to become his wife and miraculously is already with child.

ROSIE

They should call him George and not beat around the Bush..

MURDOCH

They are calling him that and in fact are changing their name to Bush..

JOHN CUE

She's black, ain't she?

MURDOCH

No...absolutely not..

ROSIE

It's the king's baby ain't it?

MURDOCH

No, and I advise you not to speak of this further. Suffice that the happy couple shall rule in former Spanish territory of Florida where none shall question their tallies. Now, for the people -- we have established great days and nights of games and other revelry. Cock fights, bull baiting, free bowls of grog to be climaxed by a super bowl to be enjoyed by all.

ROSIE AND JOHN

Oh, we like that..let the land be in a pickle so long as we enjoy our tickle.

(Murdoch bows in best courtier fashion as they begin to dance in a circle hand in hand. Murdoch steps to the front to address the audience.)

MURDOCH

And so we bring our play to close with our profound, deep apologies to those who found our intent too plain and heavy and a burden they feel too strong a levy on hearts and minds yearning for ease and implore us no more politics please, yet we feel constrained to point that the times indeed are out of joint and all our huffing is meant to say that evil wins when good folk do nothing.

(He bows again and withdraws backward with his hat sweeping the ground.)

GO TO BLACK.

THE PLAY IS OVER