A young man, CLINT MICHAELS, and a woman, ADELE PINE, stand side by side. Both wear white helmet liners. His has gold stars. Hers - red stars. He has an American flag draped his shoulders like a cape.

 

CLINT

Well, since this is your first day as an intern in the White House media relations office, I'll just show you how we do things, alright, Adeline?

ADELE

Adele, sir. And I just want to say that I'll do anything to spread truth and enlightenment sir.

CLINT

I'm glad you said that, Adriane. Now you just read the fact sheets and I will immediately turn them into the real facts that we at the White House will release to the media.

ADELE

(reading)

Our occupation of Iraq has shown that we have no interest in establishing a democratic government there -- only to install a bunch of stooges to follow our orders.

He snatches the sheet out of her hands

 

CLINT

Where did you get that fact sheet?

ADELE

National Security Office classified real facts sir. Our eyes only.

He hands sheet back to her

 

CLINT

I thought you got it from The Nation or The Pacific Radio Network. They're on our hit list, you know. AFter we win this election -- Zippo! -- right into Guantanamo with them all along with the rest of the commie pinkos who opposed us.

ADELE

What about Ralph Nader sir?

CLINT

We keep him out. We may need him again. Alright -- hardball time. Democracy in Iraq. The Coalition has established a truly representative government that seeks to bring peace and freedom to all Iraqi peoples. We are striving in the face of radical insurgency to continue to bring the fruits of the American way of life to the beloved Iraqi people. Next question.

ADELE

The campaign in Iraq has shown that that Iraq never had any weapons of mass destruction, only a quantity of large rocks that they planned to roll down on any invaders and that the president and his administration lied about the reasons for sending us to war.

CLINT

Fine. It has been proven without a doubt that Iraq had large quantities of weapons of mass destruction that could utterly crush anything in their path. The evil empire of Sodomite Hussein planned to roll out its arsenal in a pre-empive strike that would rock the world. As Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said absence of evidence does not mean evidence of absense. Those who question the motives of the President and his administration play into the hands of the evil terrorist empire.

pause

 

CLINT

You see how we do it, Agnes?

ADELE

Adele, sir.

CLINT

Fine, I never forget a name. Next.

ADELE

In a secret report, the White House outlined how it wanted Hussein deposed because he wouldnt grant the U-S special privileges in the sale of oil. President Bush and the real president -- Chew 'em up Chaney - wanted a regime change so American oil interests can control all the oil in the middle east. The planned rebuilding of Iraq by American companies will further enrich all those corporations which support the administration of George Bush.

CLINT

You are sure you are getting this from the National Security Council, Amelia?

ADELE

Yes sir. I can switch to the News network questions.

CLINT

No -- keep 'em tough. We don't need any creampuff queries. . Now what are the facts again?

ADELE

That we wanted a regime change in Iraq so American oil interests can control everything and that American companies will line their own pockets in rebuilding Iraq at the expense of the American taxpayer.

CLINT

Right.. okay... Here we go - An intensive investigation by the Presidential Commission on Human Rights and Democracy has determined that the evil regime of Sodomite Hussein used the millions garnered by oil sales to enrich himself and not direct the money to aid the millions of starving men, women and children in Iraq who welcomed American troops with flowers and honey.

ADELE

Gosh, I love how you do that, Mister Secretary.

CLINT

Years of practice, Agnes. Let me tell you something, I started out in Public Relations just like you. A wide-eyed, idealistic kid just out of college. But then I was lucky enough to be the assistant to one of the greatest PR men of all time -- Nobel Prize Winner Doctor Henry Munchhousen. I remember what he used to say....

He turns quickly, swirling his cape and speaks in a deep, gutteral voice with a heavy German accent.)

 

CLINT

Peace is near and we never bombed Cambodia. Und remember -- lying is the greatest aphrodesiac. The bigger the lie -- the more you make out like crazy.

ADELE

Wow!

CLINT

Okay, Alda...gimmie the next dispatch.

ADELE

The American occupation of Iraq has not improved the lot of Iraqi people, but only fanned the flames of insurrection and terrorism.

CLINT

Coalition forces continue to maintain peace and security in Iraq and have taken steps to close any newspapers or media outlets that have fostered dissension -- all this was done in the name of democracy and peace.

ADELE

Gee, I feel like singing when I hear you do that.

She begins to sing to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy.

 

ADELE

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy. Born on the Fourth of July. A real live neice of Uncle Sam -- ready to make any lie.

CLINT

That's great, Alison. I didn't know you could sing.

ADELE

Oh, yes - sir. I can do a lot of things for our patriot cause. Here's another one.

She sings to the tune of "Gimmie a little Kiss.

 

ADELE

Gimmie a little bomb, won't you, hon? Killing Iraqis is a lot of fun. Gosh oh Gee, what's it gonna be, peace and life or democracy..

CLINT

Let's not get carried away now Alva.

ADELE

I'm sorry...

CLINT

I like a little levity every now and then. Maybe we could talk it about that over a drink after work.

ADELE

I'd be delighted sir.

CLINT

Call me Clinton, honey.. or just plain Clint..

ADELE

Clint..

CLINT

Okay, next one..

ADELE

Yes Clint.. The United States aims to invade Syria and Iran as a way to completely control the Middle East and to divert American public opinion from the mess here at home.

CLINT

Syria and Iran are known to have weapons of mass destruction and to be giving refuge to terrorists. They poses a danger to the peace loving nations of the world.

ADELE

While every effort was made to protect oil fields, American forces did nothing to prevent the destruction of the Baghdad museum of antiquities thus resulting in the loss of irrespreplacable artifacts that recorded man's history for thousands of years.

CLINT

American forces did all they could to protect the Baghdad museum and American plastics companies are now busy at work to fashion replacements for all the items that were lost. Everybody knows that plastics will last a lot longer than that smelly old stuff that was there before. The distribution of the plastic replicas will be part of the vital functions we have delegated to the United Nations.

ADELE

What is the administration's reaction to the growing concern about the ever-mounting number of American military killed and wounded in Iraq?

CLINT

The increasing attacks on Coalition personnel in Iraq shows how desperate the forces of evil are in the face of our success in bringing freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people. The President feels safe and secure to repeat -- Bring 'Em On. He's ready for any attack on our military.

ADELE

Goll-ee!! The American Civil Liberties Union says the policies of the Bush administration are against the constitution and the bill or rights.

CLINT

Okay -- The U-S Justice Department has determined that the American Civil Liberties Union is a secret Islamic and Communist organization. All card-carrying members of the ACLU have been taken into custody and are being held without bail in a secret location.

ADELE

My Gosh...

CLINT

Adeline.. will you please stop saying such childish exclamations.. You work for the White HOuse Media office and must respect our high standards of dignity and decorum. And that means getting off your knees.

ADELE

Quite right, sir.. It won't happen again.

CLINT

We'll discuss this over dinner tonight -- at my place.

ADELE

Yes sir...Clint..

CLINT

Okay, now it is time for our mock news conference. You will be a hard-hitting, truth-seeking relentless reporter and I will take the part of our beloved president. Think you can do that?

ADELE

Okay Mabel -- give me rewrite.

CLINT

Well said...

He adopts the tones of Dubya)

 

CLINT

How do I sound, sweetlips?

ADELE

Magnificent sir.

CLINT

Shoot.

ADELE

Right. Okay, here goes. A reporter -- hard hitting and tenacious. Sir, there is indisputable evidence that long before 911 the administration received hard intelligence reports that terrorists planned to highjack airliners and crash them into American buildings and killed hundreds if not thousands. But the administration ignored the Al Queda threat because it was obsessed with Iraq. What do you have to say to that?

CLINT

REmove this person immediately.

Two persons in black rush in, grab her by the arms and drag Adele -- kicking and screaming -- away.

 

CLINT

Bring her back.

They bring her back

 

CLINT

Angela -- I did that to impress upon you -- the kind of questions we do not want to hear at a news conference and the consequences thereof. Comprende, senorita?

ADELE

Yes sir...

CLINT

Now be the kind of reporter we have all learned to love and respect, okay?

ADELE

Yes sir.

CLINT

Shoot, darlin'

ADELE

What have you done recently to greatly improve the life and comforts of all Americans?

CLINT

Glad you asked that question.. We have extended the age to 85 when people can get Social Security. Polls have shown that Americans want to work until they drop, Gawd bless 'em. We're also doubling medicare benefits for all those over the age of 110.

ADELE

Wow! And on the subject of social security and medicare...

CLINT

Hold it, Amanda.. no follow-up questions...that is not the hard-hittin relentless media way.. You know what a follow-up question is -- doncha?

ADELE

Never heard of it.

CLINT

Good... You got another question - just ask it in a different voice.

Adele deepens her voice. She will change her voice for each question hereafter.

 

ADELE

What have you done lately to improve the economy and provide jobs.

CLINT

For one thing, we propose cutting taxes again on corporations and all those in the upper brackets because that will free more money for investment. We're also proposing cutting the minimum wage to give businesses more incentives for hiring. As for jobs, we are offering unemployed American workers tax breaks on tickets to China, Burma, India, Indonesia and Mexico where jobs with American corporations are plentiful.

ADELE

What about the environment sir?

CLINT

We've equipped all oil wells in the National Alaska Wildlife Preserve and other public lands with detergent containers, scrub brushes and squirt guns to aid the seals, walruses, seagulls, snails, eskimo men, women, children, babies and other indigenous wildlife. I'm all for the environment, absolutely.

ADELE

And housing?

CLINT

The housing of the poor and the needy is of special interest to us and we have established state of the art barracks and work camps in industrial areas so weary workers can repair to their abode right after a good day's or night's work. The beauty part is that they will never really be away from their kids cause we made arrangements to have the kids work with them. A family that works together stays together.

ADELE

Education, sir?

CLINT

Children who work get a ten percent discount on school books and two hours off during the weekend and night shift to study. To make it easy for the needy to get a good education we're gonna grant them 1200 dollars for a charter school. Alls they have to do is come up with additional eight thousand dollars a semester.

ADELE

Isn't that a bit unfair, sir?

CLINT

What's your name?

ADELE

Adele, sir..

CLINT

Remove her... I warned you once, Allegra...

ADELE

But sir...

CLINT

Only kiddin' darlin' but no more trick questions, alright?

ADELE

Yes sir...I'll just continue to hard hitting and relentless.

CLINT

Shoot..

ADELE

What's your Christmas wish for the American people sir?

CLINT

Peace on earth and good will toward men.

ADELE

Thank you, Mister President..

CLINT

Thanks, Anita. Oh, and one more thing.

ADELE

Yes, Clint..

CLINT

Get back on your knees.

He covers her with his flag/cape as she sinks to her knees.

 

 

 

GO TO BLACK, THE PLAYLET IS OVER