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WAR IS SELL

(SETTING: Suggested office. A desk with two console telephones. pads and pens on desk; two chairs behind the desk, facing front. A clock, file cabinet, personal computers on either side of the desk.)

(TIME: The present. 2:45 p.m. Eastern.)

(CHARACTERS: Roger Barrow.... frenetic, driving, ruthless, greedy, amoral. A rising star. 28 years old.)

(Penny Sinclair...frenetic, driving, ruthless, greedy, amoral. A rising star. 26 years old.)

(Telephones continue to ring throughout.)

ROGER

(On phone)

You can't afford to pass this up, Fred. I won't let you. General Mechanics was up three and a half at the close yesterda and its going to double that today with the war coming.

PENNY

Oh, it's a definite, Morris. A definite. Is the pope catholic? War is a cinch. Defense stocks are pretty much gone, but there are other things. Think, Morris -- what do people really need most in war, Howie? Begins with a B - Morris. Bullets, bombs? That's good.. but that is not what I had in mind, Morris. Not Babies, either. Babies? Why babies, Morris? Sounds like fun? Oh, you're a scream, Morris. But be serious. Bandages. That's what they need. Plenty of bandages...That's why Jensen and Jensen is such a good buy. We're not talking bandaids, Morris. Bandages.. yards and yards... You got it, Morris... okay.. okay..

ROGER

TAke it from me, Fred.. We're heading right for a war. It's a sure thing. I hate to put it on that basis, but that is the way it is. I didn't make this world, Fred. The world is the way it is. You heard that expression? I'm sorry, Fred. I didn't mean to be patronizing. Look, Fred, I only have 5,000 shares left of General Mechanics. I saved them for you because you are such a good customer. General Mechanics makes the M-2 tank and the Vindicator A-P-C.. Armored Personnel Carrier. Okay... okay...

PENNY

Morris... Would I kid you? This is Penny Sinclair -- am I a kidder? It's a cinch. Jensen and Jensen also makes mercurochrome. No, you don't drink it. It's for wounds, Morris. You're such a kidder. Yeah -- okay.. 10,000 shares at 62 and a half. You got it. Now about about DuFont? Chemistry. Not poison gas.. although that is a possibility... Plastics, Morris.. In particular, body bags... black polyester body bags.. I know this sounds callous... I am not callous.. I am patriotic.. You are patriotic... Yes, body bags.. Unpleasant thought, yes. Do they come in red white and blue? You want them to come in red white and blue? I don't know why they don't come in red white and blue, Morris...I'll ask. But it's not a bad idea, Morris. Oh, you were only kidding. YOu're such a kidder. Fifty thousand shares? Good thinking.

ROGER

Okay, Fred... wrap your wallet around this one -- Accidental Petroleum... On the nose Fred... President Bash and Vice President Chutney are oil men... Snake oil? Oh, that's good Fred... that's good.. Okay... okay... 20,000 shares... I'll punch it in.. Now what about Booger, Brown and Halliburden Engineering and Construction. They make barracks, Fred. And it's the vice president's old firm. And you can bet your bottom dollar they are going to be in on the reconstruction of the country we destroyed. Big bucks, Fred. The veep takes care of own. He severed his ties, he says. That means he cut all his ties in half. He only wears bow ties. Barracks.. soldiers, sailors and marines need barracks. Alright, get back to me. Things are hot, Fred... Think war. War... war .. and more war.. Bye, Fred. hot...hot...hot...hot.

PENNY

So Morris -- think of rubber products... Not condoms, Morris... Oh, you're bad, Morris... definitely bad...And sexist too...Not sexy... I didn't say sexy.. I said sexist..Okay, you're sexy.. Oh, you're so bad, Morris... Rubber, think tires.. think gaskets... flibberygidgets, whatever... flibbergidgets... I don't know what they are... they're anything.. Okay, condoms... You're such a kidder, okay, Morris... What? Okay.. okay... I'll let you know..You're finished.. Okay, let me punch this in... No, I won't do that, Morris..oh, you're bad. Good bye, bubbalah.. Love ya, ya! Bye...

ROGER

Break time!

PENNY

Break time!

ROGER

I love the sound of telephones ringing. The sound of money.

PENNY

Oh, God - I love to sell...

ROGER

Selling makes me hot...hot..hot

PENNY

Me too.. I get wet.

(TELEPHONE RINGS.)

ROGER

BAck to work.

(Telephone rings)

PENNY

War fever! Got the feee--verrrr!

ROGER

Hello, Mario -- Glad you called -- what? That's just what I had in mind. National Caskets. Sure -- there will be a big demand. Body bags? Missed on that one Mario. The issue is sold out.. but caskets - right on the money. Now what about Amalgamated back hoes, Mario. Back hoes -- to dig the graves. Yeah, shovels too. I know for sure the Pentagon is buying 800,000 backhoes. I know - that's a lot of backhoes..but you can never have enough backhoes, Mario. And remember, the Secretary of Defense is the former CEO of Doer Tractors - the biggest manufacturer of backhoes and earthmovers - great for bulldozing buildings in third world countries.. Great -- knew I could count on you, Mario.

PENNY

Billie -- how's my favorite former office holder. Keep your mind on business, Billie...Flags? American Flag Incorported is flying high, Billie -- pun definitely intended.. Went up one and a half in the past hour. Little flags and big flags... everybody wants a flag in war time, Billie. Sure - 100 thousand. You got it..Look, Gerry Bruckheimer is floating stock. Yeah -- great war movies. Aces with the Pentagon.. Okay -- let you have 10,000 at 22 fifty...

ROGER

Barbara -- think sulpher. Yes, sulpher. Ready for this? Not a nice image - but what the hell - business is business. Readuy? Sulpher - to put on the bodies in mass graves. You okay, Barbara? Atta, girl. Monsanto. 15,000 shares -- you got it baby. Hot..hot.hot. It never stops - I got an erection.

PENNY

My panties are soaking wet, I love it.

ROGER

Hel...oooowww, Nathan...You should have called sooner.. The obvious stuff is gone.. planes, tanks, guns, flame throwers, bayonets, bullets, bombs -- but I got a sleeper for you, Nathan... prayer rugs.. Yeah, prayer rugs.. I mean they will be praying like their lives depended on it -- and they will. Abajani Carpet -- now at 22 but rising.. Okay.. okay...you got it.

PENNY

Think prisons and detention camps, Alfred... The secretary of health, Welfare and education is the former CEO of the Bully Building Corporation... Prisons are their speciality.. We're gonna need a lot more prisons and detention camps when the war starts, Alfred...You have to think ahead... all those pinko, commie demonstrators.

ROGER

Water, Walter... Water.. We blow up all the oasises. Yeah, rivers polluted... dams destroyed.. people dying for water.. right -- You said it, Walter, Right on the nose - yes, time to make a killing. Ah, you're so funny, Walter...Listen, it's in the Wall Street Journal this morning. The secretary of the Interior used to be CEO of Gingham Industries, right. Guess wjho is buying up all the water rights in the west, Europe, Africa and Asia... Yeah, Gingham Industries. Water, Walter, go with the flow. Right - you got it. Hot..hot...hot

PENNY

Seymour Security... spy cameras, listening devices, handcuffs... all that good stuff... 30,000 - you got it..What -- Calvin..what? Sure, Calvin... sure.. Bye.

(SHE SCREAMS)

ROGER

What's wrong with you?

PENNY

Calvin - a minister. You know what he wanted? Asked me to sit on his face...

ROGER

So how much would he give you?

PENNY

You're so funny, Roger...

ROGER

If a client offered you 10,000 dollars would you do that?

PENNY

Please don't insult me.

ROGER

A million..

PENNY

Yes...

ROGER

Ha!

PENNY

Eat me.

ROGER

How much?

PENNY

I sell more than you do.. I sit on your face..

ROGER

And if it is the other way around - I sell more?

PENNY

It's the other way around..

ROGER

You're on...

PENNY

On three we reach for the phones..

ROGER

One..

PENNY

Two...

ROGER

Three..

ROGER AND PENNY

(SHOUTING Together)

Eat me!

(BOOMING CRESCENDO OF TELEPHONE RINGING.)